To be or not to be – that really is the question.

Another instalment to the “what am I going to be when I grow up” saga.

Lots of thoughts swirl through my mind at present.  I am loving just being.  I am loving volunteering at school.  I am loving coaching my son’s basketball team.  AND I am loving all the little projects I am doing around the house – current project – knitting a lovely throw rug to go on my lovely new couch (just re-designed my whole lounge room).

So what is this all about then?  Well it is that little voice in side my head that won’t sit still.  The one that believes that I should be preparing myself for something bigger when my boys are old enough and too cool to want me around.  The one that keeps demanding that I work out what will come next in my life.  sigh…..

I don’t know how to quieten that voice nor do I have the answer to what I want to do next.  I am too scared of trying something because:

a) what if i don’t like it – investing time and resources only to find out that it is not right after all
b) what if I fail at it?

So how does my mind work?  Here is one example:

Having been sick all week has meant I have been watching a lot of tv.  I have found myself watching a lot of those home reno shows and am loving it.  As a kid I used to sit around designing my dream house – floor plans, to scale furniture placement, landscaping etc.  As an adult I absolutely have loved decorating and re-decorating my house – especially my boys rooms as their needs have changed.

Of course as always, that little voice comes out with ‘ohhh that would be fun’.  So I go online and start looking at architecture courses….  and they sound exciting and hard all at once.  I research it some more and work out that what I really like is the element of changing an existing space into something new and then taking it all the way from reno to decorating it -getting my hands dirty and all – Block style.  So I look up courses around Interior Architecture – which sounds awesome but I am too scared to commit.   I start to wonder how I will actually use this to become something  and will I be any good at it (my confidence effects my creativity quite heavily) etc, etc, etc.   At this point I end up just give up on the idea and just go back to watching my shows and re-arranging my house.

This has happened a few times over the last few years – first I started a Masters in Environment and Planning – I did four subjects but having worked in the industry I realised it was not for me.  Earlier this year I thought Psychology would be it but am petrified of statistics having failed it at Uni in my undergrad so gave that up.  So now I am too scared to commit to anything.

I have a number of mum friends who have quit work and have found their calling in life and are running with it.  I am loving watching them flourish after being stressed in big corporate jobs like my own.  They are living their dream and creating the life they want.  I want to join them but just don’t know how.

Hubby, being the awesome person that he is, tells me to just relax and just enjoy life – which I really am.  But that tiny little voice keeps bugging me…..


One thought on “To be or not to be – that really is the question.

  1. I hear you!! Trust me I do! Wanting to do “something” but too scared to commit in case of failing. Just sit and relax this year… start again in Jan to pursue your calling….. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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